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  • Writer's pictureVictoria Alexandra Cabrini Luckie MA (née Quin-Harkin)

On the myth of the “friend zone”. Victoria AC Quin-Harkin MA (formerly Victoria Luckie) copyright Dec 29, 2022.

Started writing this as a break from screenwriting. I have in fact returned to my maiden name of Quin-Harkin from Luckie.

Victoria AC Quin-Harkin MA (formerly Victoria Luckie) copyright Dec 29, 2022.

Because I am sick of hearing about it. Aimed at ADULTS considering relationships with consenting adults, though I suggest those younger are aware and make and hold their boundaries also.

1) Not every woman is going to be attracted to every man. And vice versa.

2) Women get pregnant so have higher stakes involved with whom they chose as a partner.

3) A baby who bleats about being friend zoned because `a woman wont sleep with him within an arbitrary short timescale will not be high on any but the neediest woman’s list. In fact the mere mention of the term "friend-zoning" is probably enough to ensure you go there and remain there / are quietly cut from her life as a creep / incel who is overly entitled and only after only one thing.

4) A woman generally is or isn’t interested, if there is chemistry it is how you get on and if you are both emotionally available, values aligned, a number of other variables come into play.

5) Don’t try "negging" or time frames unless you are cool losing anyone not massively unconfident and frankly would you not rather be joyfully chosen rather than the last picked from desperation on the school’s netball team?

6) Try telling people how you feel, asking how they feel, and listening to the response. It saves time, and you might find you feel the same way. Or at least it gives you and the other person involved space to make conscious choices.

7) The “friend zone” is not a gulag. Relationships require a level of friendship. Unless you have been specifically told the other person is not interested in a physical relationship with you because they do not find you attractive and there is no chemistry (in which case maybe look at the reasons / on it as a non-committal testing ground and see if there is a change). People have different boundaries.

8) HOWEVER if someone actively says they are REPELLED by you / in love with someone else, gay (and you are not their preferred gender), underage, grossed out, scared, would never get in a relationship with you for some other reason, JUST see you as a friend when specifically asked. Then for God’s sake do not pursue them other than as a friend or talk about it as friends - unless they start to make flirtatious and physical contact and actually tell you the situation has changed. Because neither sex nor relationships are an entitlement. And definitely not with specific people, even if you have bought dinner, gone away together, bought her / him, they / them the Koh-i-noor diamond / think you are Gods Gift to all women etc.

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