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  • Victoria Luckie

The Passive Aggressive Christmas Gift Guide

The diary - Now you won't have an excuse to miss another of your daughter's solo musical performances.

The parenting course - The step up from unsolicited criticism, special points if they are a lone parent and doing fine actually.

The gym membership (when not requested, for obvious reasons)

The Easy Way to stop smoking / drinking - Why let Christmas prevent you from nagging and making people feel uncomfortable?

Dating agency membership or self help books of any kind

Copy of The Rules / The Surrendered Wife / The Taming of The Shrew - the former implies you definitely think they are a slapper, the latter that they should know their place, which is in a corner somewhere at dinner parties, or at the end of a bell.

The slanket - the portable fire hazard you can wear and instantly look like a catalogue model for Hotter shoes.

Expensive feng shui ornament to attract prosperity - bonus points when other person has belief diametrically opposed to feng shui or when you are a big part of the cause of lack of prosperity.

Charitable donation to a charity you don’t support - bonus fuckwittery points if the recipient is skint

Surprise Christmas party with your badly dysfunctional family - What could go wrong? Well quite a lot actually so why not skip the hassle, book a trip away somewhere and buy a deodorant, mouthwash set instead.

N.B.In the interests of journalistic disclosure one of these we are giving this year, and three of the others I have actually received in the past. I shall let you wonder which until the memoir comes out.

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